I know that it’s totally cliche, but it seems crazy to me that Dmitri is already 6 months. We’ve been able to keep another human alive for six whole months! Dmitri is now at the age where he is experiencing separation anxiety. I put him down and he looses his shit. While it’s fairly annoying, I have to keep reminding myself that he’s just learned that I can leave him and that is scary as shit for someone who has always known that I or Tyler will always be right there. Instead of being frustrated that I can’t really get anything done unless he’s napping, I need to make a conscious effort to not be annoyed and go give him cuddles. If the house is a mess and dinner isn’t made, it shouldn’t matter. It will get done eventually. Luckily Tyler fully supports this and knows that taking care of Dmitri is a full time job. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such a supportive husband and a husband that takes Dmitri as soon as he gets home from work so I can make dinner and clean and go pee.
I always get mad at myself for getting frustrated with Dmitri when he whines or cries. I know that he is doing it for a reason and I’m still adjusting to ‘everything else can wait’. I want to have a tidy house and dinner cooking but those things don’t matter as much as Dmitri does. I want him to have a happy childhood and not feel as though he takes second place to whatever I am doing.
We always want our children to have what we didn’t or have a better life than us. Unless of course you had a fantastic childhood and had everything in the world. For me, I want him to have 2 supportive and loving parents. I want him to have more good memories than bad. I know that I cannot make all his memories good, because I will fuck up. I know that I will never be a perfect parent because, you do as you know. Unless you break the cycle, as I am constantly trying to do. I’m not saying that every part of my childhood was awful because it wasn’t. But I do have more bad memories than good ones and they’re all of stuff I never want Dmitri to ever experience. So, while he is still young and won’t remember anything, I continuously question what I’m doing and asking myself “Is this what was done to me that had a negative impact?”. So far, I don’t think I’ve done anything to fuck him up yet but I know it will only get harder the older he gets. I am hoping though that, by always questioning my actions or thoughts, it will become second nature and not a conscious effort. Hopefully eventually, I will naturally do what’s right, and not what’s damaging.
One thing we have done to hopefully help make sure Dmitri doesn’t experience the same kind of abuse I suffered is we cut the family member who caused the fucked up family bullshit and trauma in my childhood (except for this blog because I am not tech savvy enough to know how to block their access). With them out of our lives for now, I can focus on what I need to do in order to not have history repeat itself.
Each month with Dmitri comes with new challenges but more importantly, more joys. He is so much fun to be around is always just a happy smiling guy who seems to really enjoy his existence in life. That is something I am determined to continue as long as I am living.