The Force Is Strong

Force, nature, hormones, whatever the fuck you want to call the thing that makes my brain completely irrational and weepy. It’s not a bad ‘I can’t/don’t want to deal with my baby’ kind of weepy, it’s what I would call a good weepy. It’s a ‘someone else is caring for my baby for an hour and I miss him so much’ kind of weepy. It’s totally irrational and really fucking annoying and I know that it’s just hormones leveling out but good god. I was never emotional during my pregnancy. I could read sad stories or watch baby commercials without feeling feels (except the Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercials but I don’t know anyone who can watch those without feels) and not get emotional. But this last week and especially yesterday was really tough.

Tyler’s mum wanted to go for a run and Tyler’s dad suggested taking Dmitri in his pram.I didn’t really think anything of it and was kind of excited to get to have a nap considering I was up pretty much all night with Dmitri and could use a bit of a restart. They left for their run and I retreated to my bedroom but was overtaken my an overwhelming sense of lonliness and sadness because I missed him so goddamn much already. I know that part of that was due to exhaustion and the rest was from hormones. I wasn’t worried about his safety or anything like that because I knew he was in good hands and the pram has pretty awesome shocks on it so I knew he wouldn’t get jostled around. My only thoughts were of how much I missed him. Which is stupid because I knew he would be back in like an hour and I would be able to hold him and kiss him all I wanted but the irrational part of my brain just wouldn’t leave and let the rational part take over again. I basically cried myself to sleep. Then slept for 3 hours so at some point my rational brain must have come back because I didn’t even hear them come back and didn’t hear his cry for dinner or anything.

I’m not an emotional person so having absolutely no control over these fucking hormones has been tough and annoying. I know that they will pass in a couple weeks and as long as they don’t turn from good weepy to bad weepy, they aren’t worrisome.

The best way to calm that force down is baby snuggles. They still have the same effect on me that they had the night I delivered him. A great sense of calm washes over me and I can feel us both relax so we can settle into a good cuddle session.

I never thought I could love something so strongly so quickly. I was worried about making that bond with him but turns out I worried for nothing. I immediately felt a connection to him and it keeps getting deeper and deeper. I think I can’t love him anymore than I do but then I look at him or hold him and love him even more. It’s a good feeling.

Here are some more Dmitri pictures because why not.